The Candid Guide to Discreetly Passing Gas

    Ahhh, the sweet, sweet satisfaction of gastro-intestinal release, like the rocker on a pressure cooker the gases are released in a quick and sometimes non-swift motion, resulting in the sphincter song often heard during the process. Keeping this reverberation at a minimal level is the key to discretion. The smell however is regrettably unavoidable, there is hope though, studies have shown that the more boisterous farts are more often than not lacking in flavor and malodorous intensity, hence the term “silent but deadly”.

    It is often thought that farts are considered taboo; but think of the many other natural or instinctual human activities that have at one point or another been considered taboo, or still are today. As unfortunate as society’s hold on flatulence is, it is important to fit into today’s society if you wish to succeed in life. First, a careful analysis of the situation is required, where you are, and who you’re with are the main considerations to take into account. For example during a date, it can be an ice breaker, but during a job interview it might not work over so well. Friends, family, and especially girlfriends, as much as they pretend to be disgusted by it really don’t mind, in fact it can be a test of faith, if they really love you for who you are, then they shouldn’t mind a foul howl or heinous anus. As for location this obviously goes without saying, each require different strategies.

    The second consideration is the type of fart. While most of the time unpredictable, some types are personally and socially preferable over others. The main ones to look out for are the plotchers (a.k.a. wet ones), these are generally considered bad form and make a mess; if you suffer from these often consider investing in diapers. In any case this guide is about discretion, and general guidelines will be given for your mainstream run-of-the-mill butt burp. Simply raising one cheek and slowly letting it out will not minimize the damage, though the risk of a firecracker is lessened (if you are going to use this method make sure to point in the direction of the least dense crowd). If you happen to be sitting on a soft fabric (i.e. sofa or mattress) use its ability to muffle sound to your advantage. And if worse comes to worse you can even try to take it back in, this is done by squeezing your butt cheeks tightly together, as if your life depended on it (and it may if you are going so far as to use this technique), what follows is a brief sensation of emission that quickly reverses and re-enters your lower digestive system. This temporary solution buys you enough time to relocate to a less delicate area. Should you happen to release despite your best efforts, make like a turtledove and look innocent. If someone questions you, put on a bewildered look as if to say “how could you ever think it was me”, this takes a lot practice to master and won’t work if the person knows you well or knows you are prone to flatulence.

    So while we wait for a new social revolution to free flatulence from its oppressive cultural bonds, we will simply have to make due and withhold ourselves while in public, unless your one of those freewheeling, tree hugging hippies who doesn’t care about social constraints and gender norms, but in that case your being hypocritical because you’ve just released more methane (a greenhouse gas) into the atmosphere. Cheers, and happy farting.