The Candid Guide to High School

    Upon completion of high school one often looks back and realizes the ridiculousness of many of high school’s customs and traditions as well as it’s obsession with intangible and valueless things such as popularity and “fitting in”. It is no wonder that so many college students lose almost all contact with their past friends and return only to find themselves changed greatly since the days of that obscure nonsense known as high school.

    Popularity, it consumes many, like a disease everyone wants so they can stay home and be like everyone else, yet it does not spread easily like the common cold, it is a more difficult sickness, one that is hard to get if not born into it. For girls it is quite simple, firstly beauty is a mandatory requirement, after that, clothes, make-up and hair can simply be copied off another through observation, originality is not recommended. Personality and intelligence are not required nor are they valued, although a winy voice can be a plus. Accessories to popularity include but are not limited to: cell phones, new (not used) cars, highlights, boyfriend (on football team), lip gloss, handbag (Gucci or Prada), as well as an assortment of fine jewelry and dresses for each and every single preposterous dance your school as well as every school within a 30 mile radius have. As for socializing, the only requirement is to attend every loud and obnoxious party thrown and to get drunk as much as possible at said event, if the neighbors do not call the cops, please be sure to call them yourself because a party that is not busted by the cops is simply put, not a party.

    For boys, take steroids, lots of them, work out every day after school, and join the football team and curse a lot. A keen ability to recognize advantageous situations should come naturally to you. If a girl is passed out on the couch, please be so kind as to take advantage of her; if a smart person sits next to you during a test, please help yourself to the answers; should a puny freshman walk by you, make sure he receives a just and fair treatment (i.e. slammed into a locker). These responsibilities can only be held by one in such an insecure position of popularity and it is up to you to make sure you enjoy every little bit of it.

    For those mature enough to lack the necessary skills to achieve popularity, a second option is available, by expanding your intellect through as many classes as possible, preferably honors or AP, it is possible to achieve the ultimate goal of every nerd: bragging rights, the right to gain a Napoleonic complex, the right to belittle and chastise those that are in less than 14 clubs and organizations. Should the wall of your room become too cluttered with prestigious awards, trophies, letters of scholarships, prizes, and diplomas you should use your knowledge of quantum physics, as well as your expertise in engineering and your mastery of advanced calculus to extend your wall further out more. So what if you become hunchback at 23? There is no limit placed on knowledge, therefore there can be no limit placed on the amount of books in your backpack. So what if they laugh at you? Soon you will be laughing upon completion of your mind controlling super-computer, besides there’s a Star Trek marathon tonight.

    As for those who choose neither of these paths, popularity, or overachievement, there are many other cults and groups within school, most however stem from or contain characteristics of the two main student groups. The overdramatic, the gothic, the gangster, the preppy, and the nomads (who wander from group to group) just to name a few.

    However fear not! For these four self-depreciating, sleep deprived, and socially awkward years shall be over before you know it, and when this happens you will be extremely glad it is over, unless of course you were too drunk to even notice that you had school for four years. Farewell and be safe, the next candid guide is entitled The Candid Guide to Discreetly Passing Gas.