The Candid Guide

The Candid Guide to Txting and Speaking L33t

2008-07-05T23:09:00.003-05:00

    Ok, if you don’t know what l33t is then you are most certainly a n00b, newb, newbie, or nub and it will suxors when the enemy zerg rushes your ass kekeke! Lucky for you the Candid Guide is here to help to turn you from pwned to pwnage. So what the hell does this all mean? And who the hell is responsible for making this crap up?

    Well, as more and more people got connected to the internet and began substituting it more and more for real life a sort of jargon appeared that was popularized mainly by those who made ASCII art. ASCII is just the collection of 94 characters used in the English language (because after all when the internet and before that computers where invented nobody stopped to think that maybe other countries would like to use these things too). Some of these words where formed by typos, others by warez culture, and still others like pr0n where brought about by the necessity of having to send dirty e-mails to your colleagues without your boss finding out.

    While most of these words still only apply to and are used by gamers many of them have become as pervasive in real life as the death rays coming out of your cellphone; the most famous of these being the all too common LOL, or lawl. If everyone was actually laughing out loud or rolling on the floor laughing their ass off (roflmao) every time they wrote one of these, the noise pollution in urban settings would skyrocket and we’d have to wash our clothes (and our floors) way more often.

    How many times have you written a text message or e-mail only to get back an angry reply misunderstanding the intentions of your message? Sarcasm, sneering, and muttering are just a few examples of human behavior that’s hard or impossible to replicate through these modern means of communication. Hence the use of smilies or emoticons, these universally understood symbols represent nearly every human emotion, and best of all most of them can be represented using your normal keyboard characters (albeit sideways). Want to make a sarcastic comment to your girl friend about how ugly she is? Just add the :-P at the end to make sure it’s not misunderstood. There are emoticons for nearly everything from hugging to puking and everything in between. In fact adding an emoticon at the end of nearly every sentence of a message or e-mail will give people the impression that you are fun and outgoing and have a lot of character; you must be since you’ve gone from :-D to :’-( to ;-P in under a paragraph.

    It’s been proven that our online personalities can differ greatly from our real selves. A shy nerd will hit on a cheerleader from his class with the utmost skill and suaveness, but only during the hour and a half online time his mom allows him on the family computer. There are a number of reasons for this, such as not having to make eye contact, and being able to think before having to respond, but in any case we can all agree that society is much easier to deal with behind the safety of a monitor.

The Candid Guide to Collecting Random Crap

2008-01-30T14:49:00.000-05:00

    Since the dawn of man we have been collecting things. When we were still living in caves we collected women, later as civilizations began to rise we collected slaves, and soon after the richer of us collected art and the artists who made them. Today it’s more or less the same except we’ve added a whole lot more possibilities, because as the world got richer, we made new things, and we bought those things and kept them around thinking they would make us happy, and when they didn’t make us happy we simply bought more of them, until we found out that tiny variations on the same one thing could essentially be called a new thing, thus creating millions of jobs and pouring billions into the economy just so we could make the same thing again. No I’m not just talking about stamps; we collect everything from action figures to dolphin shaped dildos.

    There is a general theory going around that the more free time you have on your hands the more likely you are to pick up collecting as a hobby. Different people do it for different reasons; some do it because they believe it will appreciate in value enough to buy back their waste of life and all the time they spent pursuing the collection anyways, others do it because they are simply obsessed and couldn’t think of anything better to do, still others are simply into it because their fragile mind fell into the trap and they are unable to stop it anymore. There are even cases of some people using it for therapy, to relieve the mind of their troubled past, and soothe the stress of everyday life. The more complicated ones arrive when the collection is some sort of metaphorical allusion to their uniqueness and ergo a correlating branch of their personality.

    There is no limit to what can be collected. You can still collect women and slaves if you wish depending on what country you’re in and how wealthy you are, but others prefer the more mundane and less illegal activities. Be aware however that certain collections may cause others to associate you whether you want to or not with a general stereotype. I realize that having a hand painted, 1:50 scale exact replica of the Battle of Hoth with accurate positions of the Rebel and Imperial forces is really impressive and all but it may not be the best idea to show it to the girls that come over once in a while. Unfortunately there are very few collections out there that won’t associate you with a stereotype. Collect wine and you’ll be a snob, collect cats and the only human contact you’ll get is from the SPCA, collect sports paraphernalia and it will be assumed you never grew up, collect business cards and you’ll be a networking whore. Of course not all stereotypes are bad, and some collections do grant you the illusion of a more educated and cultured demeanor; this generally applies to collections of art, books, and antiques, just make sure your friends are into the same thing and don’t mistake you for a pompous asshole.

    The most irrational of us will try to collect everything based on a certain theme. Let’s say… frogs. Porcelain and crystal frogs, a frog clock, frog pajamas, frog shaped salt and pepper shakers, frog magnets, frog stationary, frog shot glasses, frog door stopper, and a desktop background picture of a… kitten. Many companies like Coca-Cola and Harley-Davidson have realized the huge potential cash their own brand name can generate. It’s for this reason that that old Garfield plush toy you sold on eBay paid for little Jenny’s new laptop.

    Whatever your reasons to collect, whether to be unique or to make enough money off of it in the future to retire comfortably, and whatever materialistic passion you do decide to embrace, please remember to be safe. Think before letting the kids play with those World War II era grenades; and before showing off your “most prized possessions” to the guys, think about what your mother would say about that colossal stack of porn.

The Candid Guide to Pretending to Be Indie

2007-12-07T01:58:00.001-05:00

    Being indie isn’t just about listening to obscure bands and wearing clothes from the Salvation Army, nor does it require you to go dumpster diving for food. You see the reason this particular guide is titled with “pretending” and not “being” is that by the very definition of indie it is impossible to be truly indie, by following an established trend it is no longer independent or of your own creation. One can only strive to get as close as possible to that elusive “independent” asymptote. A paradox indeed, but not one that should ever stop you from trying, god knows you certainly aren’t the only one.

    Although many have dismissed indie as being yet another useless lifestyle created by this generation’s youngsters, adding to the list of such cliques as emo, gothic, and jock; there is a reason it is the dominating choice on college campuses today. What remains to be seen is if it can withstand the test of time like hippies have, who still to this day roam dark alleys, reminiscing about Woodstock and exchanging conspiracy theories.

    A social trend such as this one is almost always first and foremost defined by music. If you’ve never heard of at least half of the band’s that are mentioned in the Candid listening section then leave, and kill yourself on the way out. No, but seriously, one’s choice of lifestyle should never have to be defined by the music they listen to. Whether or not you may fit the pattern, indie kids like to think they are more tolerant than other groups and accept you either way but you should probably refrain from mentioning pop-punk bands like Simple Plan in front of them, lest you should prefer never to have children.

    After music comes generally comes clothing. There are those in indie culture who truly believe the only unique look nowadays can only be found through vintage clothing. By wearing clothes of yesteryear, even some that can go back decades you effectively stick out because no one else would dare wear that Nazi jacket from WWII. You should only take this route in extreme cases when you wish to be so hardcore it’ll hurt, and it literally will; there’s no room for phallic objects under those tight pants. Does your style define you? Maybe, maybe not but at least you’ll fit in at the concerts.

    There are a whole lot of other things that could increase your indie credibility; an environmentalist attitude is a must, vegetarianism adds bonus points, interest in other forms of culture such as quirky indie flicks, design and virtually anywhere you can spend money can also define just how indie you are. Walmart? -12. Urban Outfitters? +8. Because in the end it’s not your tastes that matter since those can vary and change, nor is it your habits or the people you know that define where you fit but rather where and on what you spend your money. Consumerism more often than not defines culture and lifestyle, and where there’s a market there’s an opportunity to make big.

The Candid Guide to Online Social Networking

2007-09-21T22:58:00.000-05:00

    Facebook, myspace, twitter, flickr, bebo, friendster, last.fm, orkut, xanga,.. and the list goes on. Heck even you have been living under a rock in Kamchatka the past 40 years you’ve heard of at least one of these. And the reason they’re so popular? Well it’s quite simple actually. Sure you can read the thousands of peer reviewed scientific and psychological studies on this subject, but what it really comes down to is making the process of socializing easier. So you know those overly social people, the people who will randomly talk to you while your on line at Starbucks as if they’ve known you forever, the people who instantly become candid with you, and ask you all these personal questions, and the next thing you know you run in to them at least once a week, at the supermarket, at the movies, in the hall of just about every building, and your forced to say hello, only they don’t just say hello, they start up small talk, they keep you there, talking about how your weekends were, the bullshit flies around and the only thing you want to do is pull a Chuck Norris and drop kick their ass and run as far away as possible, but by this time of course you’ve already been “friended” by them on any of the social networking sites listed above. Taking a quick glance at their profile you notice they’ve got more “friends” then the population of a small post-soviet nation. These people are, in fact the ones who need social networking sites the least. It is the introverts, the socially awkward, those of us that need a swift kick in the ass to go out on a Friday night rather than play Counter-Strike that benefit the most from social networking sites.

    You see the main pastime on these sites isn’t editing the profile, or adding friends, or uploading photos and videos, no the reason we spend so much time on these sites is from stalking. In the olden days, stalking was a risky affair; you had to actually follow the person around, lurking around corners, hiding behind a tree, peeking from behind a newspaper. The problem with this was that it was very tiring, and the risk of getting caught, imprisoned and possibly never seeing the one you were stalking ever again was very disheartening. But with the advent of the lawless anarchy that is known as the internet we became free to stalk anyone as much as we wanted, the only limit being what they themselves decide to reveal; which if you’ve been paying attention to their uploaded photos is more than they should be. In any case, this stalking affects two things, it allows you to still be socially inept while still fantasizing about that girl in BIO 101; and it allows others to stalk you, should they randomly come across your profile and uh…take a liking to you, in this situation it is more likely that they will come and approach you since you are too scared to do it. Who knows you might even make new friends this way.

    There are some who lament the loss of close personal relationships with online social networking, but in truth how else are you supposed to remember the name of that random dude you hooked up with that drunken Saturday night. Sure, you’ll most likely never talk to them let alone see them ever again, but it’s nice for posterity’s sake, and to show the grand kid’s what a crazy, hip dude you were.

The Candid Guide to Reality Television

2007-08-17T23:19:00.000-05:00

    Well it’s that time again; time to delve into another American cultural invention, the reality TV series. And if you know anything about television you know that it’s all about the ratings. So just in case you thought you had a great idea for a show but the networks have turned you down and you’ve decided to do it yourself the Candid Guide is here to help you on your long and epic path to your fifteen minutes.

    So let’s get right into it. The singularly most important part to all of this is: You need beautiful people. Just because it’s “reality” doesn’t mean the media, the greatest influence on today’s society, should lower its standards. Sure you can have casting calls, and accept video interviews or what not, but you already know who you want and who will make it. Luckily you can leave this basic, yet crucial filtering to the interns. Should you need help in creating a standard for your casting look no further than The Bachelor or The Real World or even the modest and restrained America’s Next Top Model for inspiration.

    There are usually only two types of reality TV shows, ordinary people doing extraordinary things, or extraordinary people doing ordinary things. It began with Survivor and it continues with Celebrity Big Brother. If you have an idea for a show that doesn’t fit in either of those two categories than it’s no wonder the network execs didn’t listen to you. Now if however you’ve got something truly original, and better yet, controversial than you may be on to something. Take Kid Nation for example, nothing tickles water cooler discussions more than leaving 40 kids alone in the desert to establish a new society from scratch. Personally I would have found it more entertaining to leave these 40 kids in a Chinese sweatshop and see how long they last but maybe that’s just me.

    And just in case things don’t work out you can always resort to the ever classic large group of beautiful women vying for one ~~handsome~~ lucky man. There have been dozens of these albeit each with their slight twists and deviations, and they have proven especially successful almost every time (how about one where the man must avoid kissing any of the girls otherwise a kitten will be killed and the girls can’t know or the kitten will be killed anyways).

    Seriously though, reality TV is here to stay and although many lament what they call the degradation of American television and subsequently our culture it is in fact inevitable, the basic laws of thermodynamics teach us that all must eventually deteriorate until there is only chaos and entropy. And hey, if you can’t beat em… well you know the rest.

The Candid Guide to Making a Viral Video

2007-06-20T04:27:00.000-05:00

    So, you think you have what it takes do you? You’ve meticulously analyzed over and over again the videos posted on YouTube of those fortunate enough to gain the love and adoration of millions of fans, you think you know the formula, the right ingredients for making yourself heard and seen and getting your fifteen minutes of fame; but really, you have no idea.

    You see it’s not just about dancing around in front of a webcam, acting strange and making a fool out of yourself… actually it is. And yet many have been in embarrassing videos without ever being seen, except by the occasional coworker or that time it was accidentally discovered on the computer by a six-year-old after Thanksgiving dinner and then shown to the whole family… yea, awkward.

    So what do Numa Numa, the lightsaber kid, brookers, and muffins have in common? To be honest nobody really knows; it can be as elusive as finding a hit song, or determining a Hollywood movie’s success. There are however a few helpful guidelines to follow to better stack the odds in your favor.

    Despite what you may think image quality does NOT matter, on sites like these no one cares if you have a 720p camcorder with advanced HAD CCD imagers and 12X optical zoom (although the video should not be a series of unrecognizable pixels either). What really matters is the quality of your act. With this in mind, be random, be weird, do something different, be absurd, let go of all your inhibitions, do something no one would ever think of doing (if only because no one has been stupid enough to try it). People love randomness; it makes them feel like they are not just another social security number in society. Why else would so many people work so hard to be so different? If you can somehow manage to pull spaghetti up your nose and out your ear and play the violin with it while standing on one foot while the other foot is licked by a blind corgi accompanying you on the clavichord then by all means do it. It also helps to be either a relatively good looking girl, or on the opposite end a complete slob, complete with spare tire, ass crack hair, and bald spot. The ridiculousness of your act along with your appearance is sure to complement well.

    If you have any experience or skill in acting, directing and editing, it’s also possible to film a scripted sequence. Again however, randomness is key. Mock music videos are okay, but they are even better if the song is original. And if you are going to do a sketch, the characters should be eccentric, the plot original and nonsensical, and the ending surprising or random (either/or).

    Once you’ve uploaded your video, it’s time to get yourself seen. So how do you manage to attract people to your video, of which you spent a whole afternoon working on? It’s quite simple really: tag and title it with erotic words, lesbian make-out and full nude strip are my personal recommendations, but see what works best for you. Either way your video will be viewed by thousands at first. Once word has spread, which happens to be the last and single most important part of any viral video’s life, millions will come watch it, talk about it, and then try to replicate it themselves. From here you shall forever become a small and brief but memorable part of an internet ~~fad~~ generation’s culture.

The Candid Guide to Wallowing in Despair

2007-04-11T00:53:00.000-05:00

    It happens to the best of us; one minute everything is blooming, the birds are singing, random strangers wave and smile back, you help an old lady with her bags, life is just swell. Suddenly clouds form, strangers frown and cuss at you, lightning strikes a nearby tree, falling on the old lady and electrocuting the song birds. You’re falling down the never ending pit of despair as you lose your job, step on a nail, your girlfriend leaves you and you find out your getting audited the next day. It’s times like these when our human intuition kicks in, the proverbial rollover and die. To make the most of your blues requires skill and practice, because if not performed right, the severity and credibility of your situation will not be effective. Throughout history melancholy has been performed and perfected, whether by a mother guilt-tripping her son into visiting her more often, a child pouting to get ice cream and other presents, or emo kids using it for their social status, gloominess can be done by anyone.

    In the olden days wallowing was simple and done usually by crying a lot, never talking (or if anything was said it was usually along the lines of “woe is me”) taking long and lonely walks in the garden when you weren’t immobile in bed for most of the day, or staring out at the grey, salty sea. While today these all still hold true, society, and life in general have gotten more complicated, and so depression requires a change to all aspect’s of your life, every daily habit you have, every communication, even the food you eat will be affected.

    Start off with a complete mental, physical and emotional meltdown. You can no longer move, think, speak, act or react. This step is crucial as a precedent to the torpidity that follows. It is important not to leave the confines of your domicile, or if forced outside, let it be begrudgingly. When visitors arrive, give them the full show, do not make eye contact, stare out into the open with red, tearful eyes, blow your nose repeatedly and toss the tissues on the ground, there should already be a plethora of garbage strewn about including empty ice cream bins, liquor bottles, Chinese takeout cartons (do not under any circumstances cook) and more tissues. The curtains should be closed, the air should smell of must and the entire house should not have been cleaned since your breakdown. The TV should be running 24/7 on infomercials, while you watch haphazardly, eating the rest of the ice cream. Work is obviously not an option, call in sick, don’t answer the phone, and if you feel some need to communicate, write it in your diary. As for your appearance night robe or pajamas are a must, as well as an unshaven and unwashed body (being smelly will make everyone even more eager to quickly resolve your problems).

    Your visitors, be they family or friends will be the ones to clean up and take care of almost everything, they need to witness the worst of your distress for them to be sympathetic and not accuse you of self-pitying or force you outside (where everything you see and encounter will remind you of why you were so blue in the first place).

    Once enough time has passed, you should give the impression that you were cured by your own volition, that although it was hard, you decided to pull through. Your friends and family will be grateful and admire you. By the end of it all you should come out a better person (at least in the eyes of others), thank those that helped you, and take a good shower.

The Candid Guide to Dating

2007-03-08T00:29:00.000-05:00

In the animal kingdom mating rituals usually consist of dominance through brute strength and fighting, or to impress by means of size, plumage, color or talent. In the human species the mating ritual is a combination of all these and is known as dating. The Candid Guide is here to give a few helpful pointers to those unfortunate enough to be stuck in this process. Most of the advice will be geared towards males, of course, since they, like in the rest of the animal kingdom, are generally the ones entrusted with the survival of the species.

    The first task is to seek out a willing partner. In this step a rigorous screening process should be used to weed out undesirables; however, be careful not to have too stringent a requirement or else risk being left in this phase indefinitely. It may be easy to fall into the pitfalls of a single exceptional characteristic of one such potential mate, but if there is anything television has taught you it is to be wary of these. She may have the body of a goddess but the IQ of a rock, and conversely she may look like she fell out of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, landed on a trampoline at the bottom, bounced back to the top of the tree, and repeated the process several thousand times but have the voice of an angel and a personality as sweet as Mary Poppins. It is for this reason that you may have to actually go up and talk to her in order to make an educated conclusion. Ask questions, lots of them, especially psychologically defining ones such as, “If you were stranded somewhere and starving could you eat your own hand?”

    Step two is perhaps the most crucial step after you’ve selected your potential mate. The date: shower first, then dress to impress, douse yourself in cologne (so in case it doesn’t work out you can always asphyxiate her, making her pass out and forget everything), pick her up (on time and preferably in a fancy rental car), throw in some flowers and jewelry and you’re off to a great start. Many consider originality important during a date, so if you’re astucious enough find something original to do before dinner: go skydiving, or hang gliding, or base jumping, or anything else that involves flying. Eventually, you’re at a restaurant (fancy obviously). Be a gentleman, open the door for her, pull out her chair and sit her down, you might be tempted to pull the chair out from under her as she’s about to sit down, and while this would seem hysterical keep in mind that she went on this date to be taken care of and pampered, not to have practical jokes played on her.

    The restaurant is where the conversations generally get deeper, you can prepare yourself for this by learning French so you can identify the food and wine, and invent a touching yet somewhat credible story like that time you rescued the orphans from a volcano in Indonesia. Be careful that it’s not too farfetched or she might lose respect for you and the date. Of course if you make her drink enough wine she just might believe anything you say.

It’s the moment of truth: the end of the date. You’ve taken her home in your fancy rental car, you’re both standing on her door mat. She says she had a good time…and then comes the one last thing you have to do, the defining moment, if you screw this up, you’re screwed period, no matter how good the rest of the date was. She fumbles with her keys, you look her in the eyes, and you whip it out, your romantic flair of course, at this moment she’s aware of what happens next, she trembles in anticipation, you lean in, closer, closer, and closer until you can smell your minty fresh breath reflecting off of her.

Here your task is done, the rest is up to her. If she unlocks the door, says good night and leaves you on the doormat looking like the pathetic fool you are, refer back to the second paragraph and start over, if she kisses you on the cheek it becomes ambiguous, she may or may not in fact like you, and so further action or dates may be required to seal the deal. Finally if she kisses you on the lips, or better yet, asks you to come inside, you’ve scored the jackpot, your self-esteem soars and you ooze with the confidence of an alpha male in the wild. I leave the rest to your filthy imagination.

The Candid Guide to Starting a Religion

2007-02-20T20:40:00.000-05:00

It has often been said that religion is the foundation of society and civilization, so what better way to leave your mark on this world than by starting your own. The more followers you gain the more minions under your command err… I mean the more enlightened and spiritually satisfied those under your benevolence shall be.

Accumulating followers however is not as easy as it may seem, for most will already be enlisted and loyal to another. You may have to resort to imposing your religion on the un-expecting masses through intimidation, false promises, bribery, leading a crusade, or should worst come to worst, proselytize door-to-door, preferably during dinner hours, when the entire family is peacefully gathered and most vulnerable.

Like all organizations, your religion will need a goal and a set of rules to achieve said goal. The goal usually is some kind of reward at the end of your life and comes as a direct result of your actions or accomplishment during your life. This is where the rules come in, because if you don’t tell people what to do, the poor souls will be lost and never make it on their own.

Secondly you will need a few important people to represent your religion; these people should have either committed a miracle, been martyred, or been highly regarded, like Woody Allen. Although it’s usually a good idea to make the people that wrote your religion as one of the main characters, it’s not a good idea to make yourself one, or else face accusations of selfishness and self-indulgence. No, in order to seem more modest, you must earn that respect; light yourself on fire or throw yourself off a cliff all in the name of your beliefs. This should draw them in by the thousands and you shall be idolized and revered and worshipped, although you’ll still be dead.

Most modern day religions are ironically complicated despite being monotheistic. In any case, the texts of your religion should be thousand of pages long, preferably hand written or orally transmitted for a few hundred generations (this telephone game will actually improve your story). Hidden codes should be inserted in the final text so as to satisfy conspiracy theorists and add intrigue and interest in your religion (random references to iconic relics are a plus). These texts should then be transmitted to those with authority and influence who will interpret the texts to their benefit all the while increasing the allure and influence of your religion; it takes a good politician to do these two seemingly opposite things at once.

The true sign of success as a religion is not actually in the number of followers, or the vast amount of wealth the leaders accumulate but actually in the number of universities that offer courses on your religion, only then will your religion be truly accomplished; for anything the erudite believe is worth learning is actually worthy of existence.

The Candid Guide to Discreetly Passing Gas

2007-01-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, the sweet, sweet satisfaction of gastro-intestinal release, like the rocker on a pressure cooker the gases are released in a quick and sometimes non-swift motion, resulting in the sphincter song often heard during the process. Keeping this reverberation at a minimal level is the key to discretion. The smell however is regrettably unavoidable, there is hope though, studies have shown that the more boisterous farts are more often than not lacking in flavor and malodorous intensity, hence the term “silent but deadly”.

It is often thought that farts are considered taboo; but think of the many other natural or instinctual human activities that have at one point or another been considered taboo, or still are today. As unfortunate as society’s hold on flatulence is, it is important to fit into today’s society if you wish to succeed in life. First, a careful analysis of the situation is required, where you are, and who you’re with are the main considerations to take into account. For example during a date, it can be an ice breaker, but during a job interview it might not work over so well. Friends, family, and especially girlfriends, as much as they pretend to be disgusted by it really don’t mind, in fact it can be a test of faith, if they really love you for who you are, then they shouldn’t mind a foul howl or heinous anus. As for location this obviously goes without saying, each require different strategies.

The second consideration is the type of fart. While most of the time unpredictable, some types are personally and socially preferable over others. The main ones to look out for are the plotchers (a.k.a. wet ones), these are generally considered bad form and make a mess; if you suffer from these often consider investing in diapers. In any case this guide is about discretion, and general guidelines will be given for your mainstream run-of-the-mill butt burp. Simply raising one cheek and slowly letting it out will not minimize the damage, though the risk of a firecracker is lessened (if you are going to use this method make sure to point in the direction of the least dense crowd). If you happen to be sitting on a soft fabric (i.e. sofa or mattress) use its ability to muffle sound to your advantage. And if worse comes to worse you can even try to take it back in, this is done by squeezing your butt cheeks tightly together, as if your life depended on it (and it may if you are going so far as to use this technique), what follows is a brief sensation of emission that quickly reverses and re-enters your lower digestive system. This temporary solution buys you enough time to relocate to a less delicate area. Should you happen to release despite your best efforts, make like a turtledove and look innocent. If someone questions you, put on a bewildered look as if to say “how could you ever think it was me”, this takes a lot practice to master and won’t work if the person knows you well or knows you are prone to flatulence.

So while we wait for a new social revolution to free flatulence from its oppressive cultural bonds, we will simply have to make due and withhold ourselves while in public, unless your one of those freewheeling, tree hugging hippies who doesn’t care about social constraints and gender norms, but in that case your being hypocritical because you’ve just released more methane (a greenhouse gas) into the atmosphere. Cheers, and happy farting.

The Candid Guide to High School

2006-12-15T15:10:00.000-05:00

    Upon completion of high school one often looks back and realizes the ridiculousness of many of high school’s customs and traditions as well as it’s obsession with intangible and valueless things such as popularity and “fitting in”. It is no wonder that so many college students lose almost all contact with their past friends and return only to find themselves changed greatly since the days of that obscure nonsense known as high school.

    Popularity, it consumes many, like a disease everyone wants so they can stay home and be like everyone else, yet it does not spread easily like the common cold, it is a more difficult sickness, one that is hard to get if not born into it. For girls it is quite simple, firstly beauty is a mandatory requirement, after that, clothes, make-up and hair can simply be copied off another through observation, originality is not recommended. Personality and intelligence are not required nor are they valued, although a winy voice can be a plus. Accessories to popularity include but are not limited to: cell phones, new (not used) cars, highlights, boyfriend (on football team), lip gloss, handbag (Gucci or Prada), as well as an assortment of fine jewelry and dresses for each and every single preposterous dance your school as well as every school within a 30 mile radius have. As for socializing, the only requirement is to attend every loud and obnoxious party thrown and to get drunk as much as possible at said event, if the neighbors do not call the cops, please be sure to call them yourself because a party that is not busted by the cops is simply put, not a party.

    For boys, take steroids, lots of them, work out every day after school, and join the football team and curse a lot. A keen ability to recognize advantageous situations should come naturally to you. If a girl is passed out on the couch, please be so kind as to take advantage of her; if a smart person sits next to you during a test, please help yourself to the answers; should a puny freshman walk by you, make sure he receives a just and fair treatment (i.e. slammed into a locker). These responsibilities can only be held by one in such an insecure position of popularity and it is up to you to make sure you enjoy every little bit of it.

    For those mature enough to lack the necessary skills to achieve popularity, a second option is available, by expanding your intellect through as many classes as possible, preferably honors or AP, it is possible to achieve the ultimate goal of every nerd: bragging rights, the right to gain a Napoleonic complex, the right to belittle and chastise those that are in less than 14 clubs and organizations. Should the wall of your room become too cluttered with prestigious awards, trophies, letters of scholarships, prizes, and diplomas you should use your knowledge of quantum physics, as well as your expertise in engineering and your mastery of advanced calculus to extend your wall further out more. So what if you become hunchback at 23? There is no limit placed on knowledge, therefore there can be no limit placed on the amount of books in your backpack. So what if they laugh at you? Soon you will be laughing upon completion of your mind controlling super-computer, besides there’s a Star Trek marathon tonight.

    As for those who choose neither of these paths, popularity, or overachievement, there are many other cults and groups within school, most however stem from or contain characteristics of the two main student groups. The overdramatic, the gothic, the gangster, the preppy, and the nomads (who wander from group to group) just to name a few.

However fear not! For these four self-depreciating, sleep deprived, and socially awkward years shall be over before you know it, and when this happens you will be extremely glad it is over, unless of course you were too drunk to even notice that you had school for four years. Farewell and be safe, the next candid guide is entitled The Candid Guide to Discreetly Passing Gas.